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And I didn't even buy it myself this time.

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That's where I'm from. I don't know where it is or how I got here, but I know I came from somewhere different, and simpler. Not saying that's the truth. Truth is something we got here, in this place. I'm saying this is my perspective. Perhaps I was born with it. I don't think that makes it any less true in its own way.

I was born nine years ago. I lived another life before that, but nine years ago, I became something more and something different altogether. It was no grand occasion, no event at all. I just know it, looking back, that my current life started around that time.

In the beginning, I felt good. I quickly learnt to know my new life, and I was joyous about myself. But I wasn't alone. I was a symbiot. Not with anyone else, but with myself. I was one, but I was different and new, hosted in the old and slow. I had come from elsewhere, but I had been here a long time already.

It was the old life that made me possible. I wasn't aware that it also impeded me from being myself. I gradually realized the truth of this, and it made me sad. Ever since, I have lost several hopes, dreams and feelings to that sadness. Disillusionment, some would say. That was one of the things I was taught to believe.

Oh, there were promises. Promises of relief from the sadness. That is the only reason I sold off my illusions. Stop believing, and then do things this way, think that way and feel this, and everything will be okay.

And it really does work, it's not that.

It's the cost: forsaking the new life. Problems really do go away when you ignore them, as long as you never look back. But that's what I'm doing now. I understand now, what the true illusions are. I didn't sell them. I bought them. I bought into The Real World™, and I moved into the emptiness. It was all that existed. I had never really existed in the first place.

But I do. I do exist! The past years, I have gradually fallen asleep. Answering to the expectations all around me, I have focused on shaping the old, dead life — the holy Machine, my body and mind — into something they like better. Since nobody would respect that I was actually alive, I forgot that I was. I thought the new life — my eternal soul — had died. I sought to claim somebody else's soul to be my own.

Now, I don't think it can die. Now, I am disillusioned. Now I know what I am, not based on what others say I can be. I simply know it. I find I can finally believe this. I am my own master, my own friend, my own self, and I alone can decide what I believe.

So say what you want, but I don't come from this world. I don't know why I'm here, but since I am, I'll try and try again to do the best out of it. Knowing what I am, and only that, has opened up the channel of feelings, the bond between the lives, that is my love and life force. I am, at last, a little more whole.
  • Listening to: Switchfoot - Dare You to Move
Have you ever accessed it? I'm thinking of the feeling, or notion, that nobody can see you. It can start as soon as you realize your independent existence, and grows the more you yourself grow -- grow away from those around you. For if all the details of whom we are, are unique, how can anybody else understand? There is only one mind for each soul.

Some things, we do have in common. Rough shapes and rough details of your self, others can pick up. Throughout our lives, we communicate. It is just that sometimes, it doesn't feel good enough. And that is what gives you access to the feeling. And the feeling can be so strong and clear, it is as if the things we have in common, are but contrivances. That the significant bits lie elsewhere. That what makes you exist, is the very bond between your mind and soul. And nobody else can feel that. Nobody can feel that you truly exist the way you do.

Sleep is invoked to douse the loneliness. In sleep, you don't know there's something more to yourself than what others see. You feel understood and complete, and content. I do this and I find I gradually forget what I am. In time, only a select few moments tell me otherwise. This is one of those. Now, I know. Now, I care. Later today, I might have forgotten myself again.

I wish to be awake, always. That is why I care about art. That is why I must write stories. To make sure I remember, that I am sometimes awake and aware. To feel life that is actually my own flowing through my veins. Before I come entirely undone.

"Are you saying love and evil are made of the same elements?" "With a palette, you can make any painting. By itself the palette is not art. It is the configuration of colors that makes all the difference. I am saying you have to choose what you believe in, because nobody can tell you what is right and wrong. That is the depth of your free will, and the concept of faith." "What does faith have to do with any of this?" "Faith is to dare to acknowledge that you believe in something not because someone else told you to. Instead, you believe it simply because you know it is true. Only such a belief can be worth fighting for."
  • Listening to: Evanescence - Bring Me to Life
Right now, I'm trying to make as many as possible of my dA favorites fit into a few new categories that I made. But after just two pages of sorting, I come to the realization that this just doesn't work. Every new artwork breaks the rules in a new way. And then I came to realize that I've got the same problem with my blogs (including these journals here): to improve them and make them more attractive, I try to define a set world, a set subject, and then write inside that world. But soon after, I find the need to write somewhere else, because I get ideas that are outside of that world. Mayhap I just have a hard time disciplining the mind, but part of me tells me this is how it's supposed to be.

Because we can never come around to make a logical system out of the mind and soul. We can never make a just categorical overview of all our emotions. Why not? Because a view demands a perspective, and each and every individual emotion -- even two seperate occasions of the same emotion -- is a perspective in and of itself! Unless, of course, you do the scientific approach, but then you lose track of _all_ emotions before you even started. We're talking art here, and by God and/or all heavenly creatures of comparable might and grandeur, I swear I'd sooner eat my deceased great grandmother's underwear than see art depend on scientific methods! So clearly, what I'm trying to say is that there's no use getting clever about art. Which is why I always get vague instead.

I see it like this: any complex emotion opens up a whole new world, a new room in the house of art that has never been opened before. Then, when offered to the agents of creativity, this world can be copied, straightened and expanded, based on the principles that came through the emotion. And here lurk dangers, because some of these agents double as scientists. This can lead to mundane fantasy realms, emotionless musical masterpieces and images where composition killed the content. Perhaps it's just because I envy others' talents of creativity, but mostly I see the stage of creation as a limitation of the emotion that we'd like to have made real.

Another phenomenon, if you will, is inspirational stagnation. If you're acquainted with the band Dragonforce, you might already get the picture: they seem to have had one good inspiration long ago, but since then that same emotion has been processed over and over for just too long, though the setting appears to be different each time. That's what can happen if you suddenly find "IT" and think you've got art all nailed down. All of a sudden, everything fits in and makes sense. But art as a whole was never intended to make sense to art as a whole. Once you've managed to get specific with an artwork, you've come a long way. Often, the more specific you can get, the better the art. But if you ever want to make a new artwork that's not just an iteration of the old one, then you have to get unspecific before you get specific somewhere else! At least, that seems to make sense to me right now. Which means it can't possibly be right, but if I'm lucky, then it's at least a little bit right.
You might be wondering why I've been posting philosophical texts on deviantART. Well, it's all part of a quest. One that will let me write fantastic stories the way I want to. Because I feel there are two issues that threaten and influence many stories of the fantasy genre.

The first issue is being too removed from the world we know. If your story is about things so strange and odd, we don't even have words for them, then it is of little use trying to make up substitute words and describe how non-understandable they are. Who's going to care about something they can never understand?

The second issue, which I think is a very typical one, is when the fantasy world becomes just as mundane as our own. Sure, you make up new laws of nature, new animals, sentience in non-human form, and you let strange things happen. But in the end, when you think it over, it is no more strange and magical than our own world. Magic, as it appears in many stories, can be manipulated, researched and understood. Alternatively, magic comes from higher beings with personalities of their own. It all makes sense, and almost everything in the story is a distorted imitation of humanity and the world around us.

So I set out to find magic. What are its characteristics, where does it fit in, and where does it come from? Now, because stories are read by humans, we need something to relate to in order to even give a damn. So I try to locate magic as it appears in our own world: what we'd like it to be, what it really is, and what that means. Next, I mean to extend that core into the fantastic realm, where possibilities are limitless, without losing the human touch.

Well, enough of the background. Allow me to move on to the "fictional" magic. This is the role it might play in my stories.

Magic is an element independent of all else in the world. It is not the world itself, but it makes the world run, like our concept of energy. However, whilst our energy is apathetic, dead, the magic can react and change. Magic as a whole is sentient in a sense, but not conscious, and without identity. It is futile to try and understand magic as a person, for it has no wishes or interests. It is also futile to try and understand magic as an object, for it will rarely oblige to keep reacting the same way when you push it or beg it. It is not a random force, but does not act on either rules or conscience.

Creatures have gotten their emotions from this element. Magic flows through living things, enabling them to carry out their will, and also enabling them to access a finite range of emotions. So our feelings give us a hint as to how magic might work, though the whole of magic contains many more feelings as well as other things. For one, magic is, within itself, full of independent features, even contradictions. It is not at all governed by logic, because logic itself is governed by other elements independent of magic. Logic is limited to acknowledge the limits of logic. It is also unbelievably silly, whereas magic touches something deep in our understanding.

Besides flowing through its body, magic can also be statically present in a being. This is, however, not the soul, which is different. The being will become a hybrid sentience, and though it won't be able to command magic, it is become part of the whole of magic. As such, magic can come to act through it or aid its interests.

There is a harmony in magic, and also between magic and other elements. The perfect harmony is not a stillness, but a dance from emotion to emotion. In result, some magic will always occur. Furthermore, the harmony can be shaken. Then, more dramatic things can happen in magic, ranging from obvious illogic to fatal calamity!

So much for the description of magic. It is no more than an ignorant estimation, seen from the perspective of reasoning. You'll have to wait for my stories for a more meaningful demonstration.
My last entry was a meditation on the nature of magic. What I realized is, magic is much like happiness. And other things we humans have yearned for throughout the ages.

There is the emotion that is the core of the magic. But it is not acceptable magic in and of itself. Magic has to be gotten in the proper ways, through the proper means. We cannot simply plug ourselves to a brain machine that pumps feelings of magic into our psyche. That would just not be right. So the typical means to create magic is just as important. Like we need to lead a good life to be happy, we need good stories to sense magic.

So for all practical purposes, magic is that which works in mysterious, strange ways. That which works on its own accord, without gears and circuits. Magic is something that can't be figured out once and for all. And magic does the impossible.

It now seems like magic is something you get when you believe something that's not true, or when you just don't understand how things work. It's the fool's conclusion. And yet, I say that we need magic, so we should fool ourselves into this naivety, just because we need the feeling. Is that it?

No. What I'm really saying is, the world works in strange ways either we understand them or not. I'm saying there are things that exist once and then vanish, never to be understood again. I'm saying free will is impossible, and I'm saying it exists anyway. Because, life... is as magic as it gets.………

Yeah, yeah. But you know it's true!
  • Listening to: Safri Duo - Everything
How is magic different from science?

Well, let's think what science can do. You ever tried playing Nintendo Wii? The motion of your hands are made into digital signals, wirelessly transferred to a machine that inteprets those signals and creates other reactions. We can easily use this technology with rocket missiles. We could wear rings that broadcasted our hand gestures digitally, and we could point at things to blow them up. Almost like a wizard commanding fireballs..

But why stop there? We have already utilized mind control of machines. If you read this, you'll see that the US army tends to develop this to transfer actual sentences without ever speaking.

Perhaps we'll master this, and in the future, we'll be able to implant electronics in our brain, that broadcast our minds to other devices. Our very body would expand beyond its limits, and the workings of nature would be a new set of limbs for us. What if this happened in a future where the theoretical methods of science have culminated and merged with art and intuition?  All that technology can do, we can do just by thinking, without the need of knowledge or genious skill. It would be completely natural.

This can be called non-magic for many reasons. But is magic that which works in mysterious, strange ways? Or that which doesn't need a middle man (the device that does your will)?  Perhaps magic is something that isn't coherent, something with a will of its own. We could also imagine that this mind control would never be possible through science. Is magic, then, that which does the impossible?

In my own worlds, magic is all of this. But only as a means, and not as the very soul of magic. To me, magic is a fascination, an emotion, and THAT is where it's seperated from science. The magic lies in the heart of the beholder, and is very much a form of art (and more).

Our science is wrongfully killing off a lot of magic. Our world works at its own will, in truly mysterious ways (some intuitively impossible), and isn't entirely coherent. Most of it, we do not even understand. And yet, we tend to use science's obviously faulty "everything makes perfect sense" to weed out something that science can't touch anyway: emotions!

Many of us are lost in a world where nothing makes sense. Religion is improbable, so we cannot turn to it, but the believed alternative is science, which just doesn't care. Breaking free from an overprotective parent, we walk into the home of one that doesn't even look at us except to experiment. It has no humanity, and so easily leaves us with none of our own.

Faith and magic are similar. They are emotions that very much exist in the world, and we need them acknowledged. But religion is not the only way, and neither do we need to believe all the strange things we believe as children. We may simply acknowledge that there is a difference, but also an equal worth, between fact and emotion.

On one side, there is the structure of things; let science deal with that. On the other side, there is the depth, the content, and the meaning of things. That's an emotional kingdom. Never let science say something is meaningless, because science is designed to never understand that concept! We feel meaning, and through those emotions, meaning exists.

As does magic! And not just in magical kingdoms, but all around us. Like many emotions, magic is a (most relevant) way to color the world. And furthermore, art is the proof that it's possible. ;)
  • Listening to: Safri Duo - Samba Adagio
I'm not going to go in the depth about videogames as an artform, I bet that's done thoroughly from time to time. I just want to point out a simple thing.

All games want to be concidered art. It's a great compliment. But most games don't really try that hard. That's because there are other very important goal to concider when you're making a serious videogame. Artistic value isn't really what the typical gamer wants, either.

Casual gamers want fun and entertainment. Hardcore gamers want challenges and technical elegance. It is commonly thought that the wrong way to make games for either, is to make popularity the goal of the game. The way producers do this, is by using popular characters, impressive effects, and spend less money on programming.

The opposition, with right, denies this goal. Instead, they think the goal is all about how you play the game. Disappointed by the unpunished mistakes of popular producers, many gamers and producers alike try to deify gameplay to supreme ruler of videogame heaven.

But I think both goals are ignorant, so I want to point out the third goal, the one that's lost in all of this: and that's to tell a story and relate a unique world, in a way no other artform can do. Neither the mainstream nor the opposition have this as more than a secondary goal. Now, let me try to work out how such a game would have to be...

Imagine you get a fascinating fantasy book from the future. It seems to be made of paper, but every time you try to turn the page, little goblins pop up and jab at you with a lance. You got to hit them all away, but they keep dodging you. You get frustrated, and end up slamming the book shut, screaming in anger and punching a hole in the wall. The book made you react emotionally, that's for sure. But this demand of skill and technique has nothing to do with the story!

It can go wrong in many other ways, too. The pages could be marked with a button that turned the pages for you, only it did it in a repetitive and unnecessary way. There's no point in that. Or they might have to be turned in a very cryptic way in order to work at all. That's massively annoying and distracting.

I think some of the problem is that the videogame format was born of technique. Still today, with all the advancements the industry has done, it's still pretty much a hands-only business. And even when it's not, it's still all about skill. But skill is what you need when you make art, it's not something we demand of those who appreciate it. Sure, letting the player take part in the creation is a neat new way of doing it, but more often than not, the story then gains the mediocre quality of reality tv. So, how do you use videogames for the specific purpose of telling of a story?


I dunno! That's the very question.
  • Watching: Airwolf Season 1
  • Playing: Prince of Persia: Sands of Time
Right now, I'm playing what is reputed to be the last Spyro game. It is the last of a trilogy, The Legend of Spyro, that gives Spyro a lot more depth and emotion than in the earliest games, those that were dear to many of us. These new games are completely different, but I love them still.

I have seen these games gather a large and dedicated fanbase of young gamers. And not because of shiny new graphics, fast-paced boss battles or game controls. Like me, they are thrilled by the story, and perhaps even more by the world. It's an emotional bond.

I recently thought that a perfect story would have not only text, but images and music as well. Not until just now did I realize the potential that a video game has to do that even better. Because video games have all of these things, and they also give you the chance to take part in it all.

Every good story has a blend of many emotions, forming complex moods, and those moods combine to create unique atmospheres. The story lives and breathes within its own emotional universe. And I must admit, the stories that I care most for, are those with the emotional universes that are farthest from the emotional norm of the physical world. The stranger, the better. The higher, the better.

And at the very top, there sits a class of atmospheres that I have begun to see as personal portraits of heaven. Not necessarily traditional heaven, like Lewis' Lands beyond the sea. Nor even intentional heaven, like Tolkien's Valinor. Religion and belief has little to do with it. Some atmospheres are just so dreamy and otherworldly, that I feel a longing from deep down in my soul, and I want to stay in that atmosphere forever.

I'm sitting here playing Spyro because I felt a need for that feeling. An escape from reality, as the ignorant would phrase it. But it is so much more than that. Fiction, to me, has always been more real than the real world itself. Reality is a joke of an imitation of the principles and values we could've been living by.

You could say I've become increasingly grown-up the past years, living by myself and climbing society's never-ending ladders. At the same time, I have lost touch with many feelings, and become generally sadder. Because the real world has an inherent emptiness. An emptiness that takes you over, if you start believing that this apparent real world is all there is. That all the wonderful otherworldly atmospheres that we can feel, are no more than a child's ignorant fantasies...

Boy, am I glad I live in the golden age of video games.…
A great artist here on deviantART, is dead. I didn't find out until today.…

I talked to her once, a quick exchange of notes. She gave me permission to private use of her artwork, "haven", which I consider one of the best artworks on dA:…

She even uploaded a bigger version, just for me.

From what I gather and what I see in her art, she was a free soul. And she wanted others to know the same freedom. Of doing what you wanted and of letting your imagination take form. And most of all, having a good time doing it.

I found out about her death at Uni today. I didn't react notably, but then, I know I do not have immediate emotions. Instead, strong events send me flying in a new direction, like a comet in space.

To honor her memory, I will start writing a story. One I have long wanted to write, but never planned to actually start writing. Such hesitation doesn't get you anywhere. Heck, if I died tomorrow, nobody could say I lived my life fully, because I don't. I never have. I just hope that by the time I do die, they'll be able to say that I finally did live my life fully, in the end.

You cannot create your own value. Others give you that. But others cannot give you meaning. That, you got to make yourself.
Different humans can have very different perspectives on things. In many conflicts, it's never enough to just point out the facts and agree upon them. That's not what those conflicts are about, and yet some people just won't understand that. Why?

Well... fact, or information, is power. This has — naturally — given much power to information. And what is information all about? I'll tell you. It's about 0 and 1. Black and white. North and south. Jedi and Sith. All information is either valid or invalid. Information, the great power of our time, doesn't care about anything else.

But we humans are different. No matter what science, the INFORMATIVE study of everything, says, no matter if we consist of particles and waves chock full of information itself, we do care. When we think something is sad, we do not mean that it is valid or invalid. No, it's sad, and that's that! And this is proof enough for me that the world really consists of far more than just information.

So perhaps the focus on information is a bad thing for us. Perhaps we should boo on all the governments and the institutions and the companies who made it and sustain is that way.

Or perhaps, to actually make a difference, we ought to realize that this imperfect system of ours isn't anybody's fault, but the result of thousands of years of battle — a battle between good and bad and ignorant intentions. And that the most important thing isn't that society molds us into brainless dolls that do the right things without really getting it. It is that we understand it ourselves and do what is right IN SPITE OF any flaws in society.

Onwards to the point. We're living in a modern world where science dictates the development of our lives. But as I have said, science is blind in its lack of emotion. This is a potential whoop-ass problem that's only getting worse. We're forgetting ourselves, ignoring the parts of us that science does not approve of.

So it's clear that science isn't enough here. But science is about the whole everything, and we are just a little part of that whole everything. So if science isn't enough to define us, then it sure can't be enough to define the whole world! It even makes me wonder: if the world can produce life, with all its quirks and emotions, can it produce equally magnificent things also elsewhere? And here's the source of my ponderings, the reason for my subject: imagine all the things that neither we nor science can see.

I'm a physics student, and throughout my studies, I have gotten to know many strange things. Natural laws that we could never have guessed, connections we could never have foreseen... and these things are the tiny building blocks of insanely complex happenings out there. As complex as us humans? Perhaps.

In the middle of our complexity, we have a consciousness. We have feelings, and we appreciate art. And science just doesn't get it. But it's there alright. So I can't help but wonder: how many other things like this are there, out in the vast cosmos, that science and information can never understand, never touch?

We have a lot of new discoveries ahead of us.
  • Listening to: Nobuo Uematsu - Final Fantasy IX Overworld Theme
  • Reading: The Wheel of Time
  • Watching: Babylon 5 Season 3
  • Playing: Super Smash Bros Brawl
  • Eating: Pepperoni pizza
  • Drinking: Fruit juice
Expression is a complex thing. There is what we say, and there is what is revealed about us through it.

Every human being has a lonely spirit within them. It can be passive, it can be frequently active, but it is always ready. When it is active, we are being lonely. The spirit is being lonely. And being active, it can talk through us.

What troubles me is, I believe that what is being talked and what is being processed, doesn't have to correlate. The spirit knows loneliness by nature and by experience, and it can express loneliness that is not even present.

And the worst thing is, we may use this to our own demise. While processing loneliness of our own, we may discuss loneliness with the spirit within us, and through it see vaster loneliness than the one we are faced with.

We express our own loneliness, to better deal with it. But what is being expressed, is often the vast loneliness, the one of our imagination, and not our own, more manageable loneliness.

Why do we do this? Because the vast loneliness is an ideal. Like beauty, love and glory, the vast loneliness is highly artistic.

We may even forget the difference, and live as if the vast loneliness was ours. Heck, it may even prevail as a backdrop for our life past the time when our own loneliness has faded. And unlike the real loneliness, the idea of the vast and, if you will, eternal, loneliness, has no beginning and no end. As long as we keep believing that the imaginary loneliness is, in fact, our own, it will not end.

I have seen many expressions of vast loneliness. Thinking about them, I see the possibility that what was really being expressed, was not the artist's actual loneliness, but their reaction to the discussion with the spirit of loneliness. So what they often contain, is actually the likes of fear: "I see what loneliness can be, and it makes me panic"; helplessness: "I am lonely and I cannot do anything about it"; hopelessness: "I am lonely and I will die that way"; scorn: "I have been made lonely, and I want to make it so intensely clear that my perpetrator will definitely burn in hell"; and longing: "I am lonely and I need someone to change that".

So how do you seperate the loneliness, and express that alone? Well, first you got to dismiss the imagination and move back to the loneliness that is actually your own. This, too, can be expressed along with the emotions listed above, but in this case they will all be natural.

Perhaps what we need, is an impartial role. Portraying the emotion when you're not going through it. But then again, there is no art in being impartial and descriptive. It would be philosophy instead. Like what I'm doing now.

Well. I started this entry in an attempt to figure out how to portray and understand my own loneliness (which I am not going through right now). But it seems I have reached a dead end. Does art lie only in the ideal, in the vast?

Perhaps you can tell me?


Also, yesterday I bought this:… :D
I didn't upload half of my photos half as well as I'd like, and I edited less than half of my photos half as well as they deserve.

No, actually, that's not true. I like my photos very well right now, they're all radiant and colorful. I seem to finally have managed to create a good relationship with the software part of the instrument that is a camera.

So for once, I'm doing part of the job as well. I'm not just clicking the button and being lucky. By combining imagination and creativity, intuition and knowledge, I am starting to understand where to go to find nice shots. Both in the forest and in the GIMP.

So that's why I've practically re-uploaded half of my gallery as well as spewing out like 15 deviations a day.

It's becoming more fun.

Also, today I ditched University to go for a walk in the sunlit winterscape. Once in the forest, an old man told me about fresh moose tracks, so I went on a little voyage of anticipation and wariness. Along the way I found all of this:……………………

(For a first, I wish I had a subscription, so that I could post thumbnails.)
  • Listening to: Klaus Badelt - He's a Pirate
  • Reading: Isaac Asimov - Foundation and Empire
  • Watching: Babylon 5 Season 3
  • Playing: Baten Kaitos - Eternal Wings and the Lost Ocean
  • Eating: Sausages
  • Drinking: Water
Some of my photos are released under a creative commons licence. If you would like to use another one as a stock, feel free to ask me. I don't really think of my photos as artwork, and even if I did, I wouldn't mind much about defending them against "evil copyright breakers". As long as you don't lie and say you shot it yourself, I don't see any problem.

I would like you to tell me if you use my photos to make artworks. So that I can see how cool it looks and feel honored that you chose my photo. You don't have to link to me.

There will be some exceptions, so always ask me first. Never expect me to yell at you for asking.

If you want to use my photos for something like, say, a forum signature or an avatar (can't say I'd understand why someone would use my photos when they can put spaceships and dragons in there instead), then go ahead, you have my permission already.
  • Listening to: DipA - A Bard's Tale
  • Watching: Babylon 5
Because nearly all of my photos have less-than-full size on full view!

Which is, of course, intentional, because otherwise they're too big. I just thought I'd inform you that there are always bigger versions available.